The perfect breakup

“Hotel Chevalier” by Wes Anderson, the short film/prelude to the feature the Darjeeling Limited, is available to download from iTunes here.

I like it, and not because Natalie Portman appears nude, although that’s the source of the major buzz surrounding the piece. Frankly, I usually find nudity in film distracting. It takes me out of the movie in such a way that’s generally pleasing to my baser instincts, but it takes me out of the movie. (in my current secret project, which is getting in motion (fyi), I specifically avoid a scene of unnecessary eroticism because I think it would be too distracting.) Although I thought it was kind of appropriate in this short. Like, it was erotic, but not in an erotic way. That sentence makes sense to me.

Jason Schwartzman’s character (he goes unnamed in the short) has the most blunt breakup lines possibly ever uttered. And it’s quite compelling for that reason, in that virtually everyone who has ever broken up with someone has felt the words he speaks, and yet they are never spoken in real life, even though the situation he is in almost always occurs. And that’s what I feel the beauty of the piece is. It’s the juxtaposition of the dream of a breakup with the reality, and it creates this postmodern breakup that’s relatable both in its honesty and dishonesty. But it’s familiar in a way that’s exactly familiar, which is not to say that I’ve ever pictured a breakup of the sort, but rather that Wes Anderson has created a breakup that’s more break up-like than the best breakup I’ve ever imagined. And kudos for that.

Burritos

It’s time I talked about my job.

I am the shit at rolling burritos. I seriously roll burritos like a fucking pro.

I have four burns on my forearms. I got my first burn when I brushed it against the tortilla press, which is set to 410 degrees Fahrenheit. The other three are from pulling reheated black beans from a huge pot, while wearing oven mitts on the exposed area just above the oven mitt. I got two simultaneously, and they’re barely noticeable, and after hoping that would be my lesson, I got a huge burn, like, two days later. Today, while trying to carry a reheat pot over a boiling rice kit, I bumped the rice kit, opening the lid a crack and got a huge steam burn across my chest, through both shirts I was wearing. Had I been thinking, I would have taken the rice kit off before attempting to cook the reheat.

I’m developing a callous at the base of my right forefinger from/for cutting stuff. This is mostly from chopping cilantro and butterflying chicken breast, although I occasionally chop onions, jalapenos, and dice cooked chicken and steak.

I get along with most of my coworkers. This is a complete reversal from my previous job. There are three, however, who I wish would shut up. One is a fountain of useless information (mostly about his stunningly uninteresting personal life), one needlessly repeats information (mostly about what he’s doing), and the third slows everything down by trying to be chatty and funny (he isn’t funny). It’s all, however, annoying. Otherwise, they’re okay (except for one of them, who doesn’t know what he’s doing, like, ever, and acts like he does, and tells me to do things or how to do things, often incorrectly, even though I already know how to do them or already intend to do them, or am already doing them).

Nothing annoys me more than when people assume we’re exactly like Chipotle. No, we don’t substitute grilled veggies for beans. We do not have “green” salsa. We do not have “medium” salsa. Our hot salsa will not kill you. Our pinto beans are vegetarian. Guacamole is not free on veggie burritos. Our tortillas are made fresh when you order, not pulled from a bag and steamed (okay, that last one was just a jab at them).

Putting lettuce on a burrito is stupid, and that’s part of the reason we keep it hidden, and only offer it on tacos. If you put lettuce on a burrito, it will get heated up and it will wilt. Instantly. It will taste gross.

A man last week asked what a “Kwesa…Kweesa…” (“Um, quesadilla?” I replied) was. How have people gotten this far without knowing what a quesadilla is? Someone else asked what the difference between a quesadilla and a burrito was. Come on!

Another guy last week asked if we had hard shell tacos. “No, sir, we only have flour tortillas that we make fresh when you order.” “That’s not a taco,” he replied. He then ordered a quesadilla without a tortilla. “Do you want a burrito bowl?” “No, I don’t want a bowl. Just put it on a plate.” I, then, put meat, cheese, some beans, and some salsa directly onto a plate. While ringing him up, he said he said, “I guess this is the Minnesota version of Mexican food. I ate real tortillas this morning in Texas.” Then you hopped a plane to Minnesota to seek out a franchise Mexican restaurant and demean our food? Whatever floats your boat, dude.

So, when you come in to visit me (our food is fucking fantastic. I’d think that if I didn’t work there.), remember several things: Burrito Bowls are the easiest things to make, to go tacos are the worst, quesadillas are easy, but distracting and somewhat time consuming, but burritos are my absolute favorite, because I’m the shit at rolling burritos.

Music, Money, and Trailers

I love movie trailers. I think they’re great. I watch as many trailers as I can.

I just came across this one. It’s for a film called Fierce People, which as of right this second appears to not have an official site, nor is it listed on its distributing studio’s website. Hurm.

Now, watch it. It looks interesting, and seems to appeal to me, in that it seems to have the vibe of films that I tend to watch (quirky nervous young man, quirky spunky girl, weird families, dromedy, etc.). And I’d like to see it.

However, the striking thing about this trailer in particular is the music. Listen for echoes of Bowie/Queen’s “Under Pressure”, Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger” and the Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” (and another I can’t identify–good work, trailer people!). They don’t sound exactly perfect, and I had to check my speakers to make sure they weren’t fucking up when I started watching it. But, no. They took songs I know (and love), switched a few chords around, layered sound oddly, mixed shit differently, and made a new song that sounds like another song, but isn’t, yet is. Confused? So am I.

So, they apparently couldn’t afford the rights to the songs, so they paid some hack to make some facsimiles. That’s my take. It’s distracting, like hearing “Lux Aeterna” from Requiem for a Dream in any movie trailer for any movie of any genre. If you can’t use one song, use another one. Don’t take the one you want and screw it up. It pisses people (read: me) off.

This is also discussed, poorly, on IMDB.

Disco Day

Well, the Omega Wolf show is over. Thanks for coming if you came, and go fuck yourself if you didn’t.

One of the sketches I wrote was called “Disco Day”, and as per the theme of tragedies throughout history as seen from an office window, “Disco Day” centered around D-Day, the storming of Normandy during World War II. The central characters were anachronistic Germans, more akin to 90’s Eurotrash than the Nazis they perhaps should have been. They are working in an office of unimportant purpose overlooking the beach at Normandy where the Allied forces began their invasion. The primary motivation for the characters is to make it to the disco for “teknomuzikdiscodansing”. They lament that the Autobahn does not reach Normandy so they can make it to the top disco in Berlin, the Triple Reich (a joke that was apparently lost on the audience, but what I considered to be a brilliant combination of a landmark Minneapolis club, the Triple Rock, and the Nazi regime’s Third Reich, but I wrote the joke, so…). They look out the window to select the best spot on the beach to tan, when they notice what they perceive to be an art film being made on the beach. When one of the characters is shot, they realize that it is an invasion against “teknomuzikdiscodansing”.

Afterwards, Dano asked me if I named this blog after the sketch. In truth I hadn’t, but it fits.

I don’t know how to put this.

Um. Ok.

Parker Posey is in a sitcom.

And not, like, an interesting one. A laugh track, multi-camera sitcom.

Dianne Wiest, apparently, plays her mom.

On a sitcom.

On Fox.

I’m really confused.

But you can watch a preview at the Fox website.

It looks…funny.

Which is the strangest part of all.

She’s lost…

Control.

Here’s the positive:

• That dude really looks like Ian Curtis, which is kinda creepy, but makes me exceedingly pumped.
• The cast, apparently, plays all of the Joy Division songs in the movie. That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.
• Anton Corbijn
• It’s the Ian Curtis biopic! Ian Curtis! My favorite song ever is “Love Will Tear Us Apart” (which I vehemently refuse to sing at karaoke). I mean, 24 Hour Party People is awesome, and I love it, but this one’s just about Ian Curtis.

Here’s what worries me:

• It’s a biopic. Biopics tend to suck. I thought that Walk the Line was the best biopic I’ve seen, but I still think it kinda sucked. The problem is the third act, when the subject stops doing cool stuff, and starts to deal with fame or whatever, and the flick really slows down. It happens in every biopic. And it irks me. It irks me.
• It’s Anton Cobijn’s first feature.
• The cast plays all of the songs in the movie. This could ruin the movie if they suck.
• If they picked an actor who looks like the subject, rather than someone who can really fucking play him, that’s ridiculously myopic.

However, since *Spolier Alert* Ian Curtis killed himself at 23 *Spoilers End*, the third act may not slow down. I’m going to see this movie. And I’m pretty sure it’ll be awesome.